Dialog With Darlene: Nurturing Independence and Spirituality in Grown Kids

As a parent, releasing the reins and watching your child step into adulthood can feel akin to watching them ride a bike for the first time—exhilarating yet heart-wrenchingly nerve-wracking. Elder Darlene Harper joins me in an open-hearted discussion about the challenges and triumphs we've faced while nurturing our children's faith and independence. Together, we uncover the delicate balance of offering wisdom without overstepping, setting boundaries within a Christian framework, and the beautiful, transformative process of trusting in God's plan for their lives.

Navigating the communication channels with grown children can often feel like deciphering an ancient language—each child requiring a unique dialect. In this episode, we reflect on our own journeys through the shifting dynamics of these relationships, sharing personal anecdotes alongside strategies that embrace adaptability and understanding. We delve into the emotional landscape of watching our children make decisions that may not align with our expectations, trusting in the strength of open dialogue and the resilient bonds of family.

The tapestry of parenting is woven with threads of community, prayer, and continuous learning. The beauty of shared experiences in spaces like Queued4Christ shines through as we emphasize the importance of leaning on one another through the parenting journey. In closing, Elder Darlene Harper's powerful prayer encapsulates the sentiment of our episode—gratitude for the guidance we've received and a shared commitment to foster spiritual growth and communication within our families. Join us for an episode that offers more than advice; it offers a hand to hold as we walk the path of raising adult children together.

Chapters

• 0:26 Raising Grown Children
• 13:46 Parenting Adults
• 19:08 Navigating Communication With Adult Children
• 34:14 Parenting and Communication Challenges
• 38:42 Navigating Parenting Transitions With Adult Children
• 50:09 Trusting God in Parenting
• 1:00:06 Finding Community and Solutions in Suffering
• 1:03:38 A Prayer and Closing Remarks

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Hey, hey, hey everyone, this is Keanna, your creator and your host of Q for Christ, and I am on here today with my co-host, elda Harper. I'm so excited. How are you today, elda Harper? Doing great, doing great, Glad to be on. Man, we had did this enough. Well, we have done it, but just not recorded. No, right, I'm excited to be on here recording with you.

Speaker 1: 0:58

You know, it's been one of those long, long times, long, long wait, but it's back. Y'all, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We're going to try to make sure we do this at least once a month, at least two times a month, whenever so, but I want to say thank you to everyone that has liked, shared, commented, whatever you've done. I'm so excited, I'm so happy, and make sure that you are continuing to do that, ok, and leaving a note or something. That way I know you've been there, ok. So I'm excited, I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 1:37

But tonight I'm more excited because we are coming on with this topic that is going to blow some of you all's mind, because I know that if you're around my age, this is something that you have thought about with your children, and I know we're going to sit up here and chop it up. So, before we go ahead and before I even display what it is, I'm going to say a quick prayer and then we're going to just dive right into it, ok? So, dear Heavenly Father, I come to you first. I want to say thank you. Thank you for this time that you have carved out for us to be able to get together to discuss this topic that you have dropped in our spirit. God, god, we thank you now for the love and the guidance that you're going to give us throughout this message. God, we want you to hide us behind the cross so someone can receive this. God, god, we want this to touch your people. We wanted to get to whoever it needs to get to God, because we know that on this day that somebody is wondering about this guidance. So we thank you now. We love you, we honor you, we cherish you. It's in Jesus' name that I pray. Amen, amen. Ok, all right.

Speaker 1: 2:52

So I'm jumping in it really, really quick, because it's we're probably going to be on here for a minute and I didn't want to spend no time on giving y'all some stuff that's going on with the Cue of Christ. I don't want to look. Y'all go to the page, you'll see it. So I didn't want to go into all of that. Go to the page. You know what I'm saying, you'll see everything.

Speaker 1: 3:18

So, anyways, today God dropped in my spirit that I wanted to talk about how Christian's mom that are trying to raise grown children win. To say win. That's one of the things that's really really been on my heart. Like I said, I know if you're around my age and I mean I'm not ashamed to give you my age, but I'm not going to give it to you but I'm up there and I do have some grown children and I know El Deharper has some grown children and it's something that we want to make sure that we are guiding them the right way. We don't want to do things that a handicap them. We don't want to do things that will push them away, so we want to be able to coach them into the right way, something that we didn't have Sometimes. We didn't have that coaching when it came to relationships or when it came to drugs, or when it came to music or when it came to anything. So now I just want to get on here and get somebody else to hey, that's experiencing the same thing that I'm experiencing.

Speaker 1: 4:34

I'm going to stop talking. I'm going to let El Deharper say a little bit how you been. First off, I didn't even get to ask you. I did ask you. Oh man, I'm doing great. I'm just so thankful for what the Lord has been doing in our lives, the life being the land of the living. I'm blessed, I'm happy, I'm content. There's some things that you know I'm working on, working through, but overall I'm grateful that I'm not alone in many of the process. I'm telling you, because you know, I know we both have talked about our grown children and how you know things that we kind of experienced, that we have gone through as a teenager or as a, you know, as a young adult.

Speaker 1: 5:28

But you know, like I said or previous, we didn't get that guidance. We didn't have somebody to say, oh no, you shouldn't do that, and not to say that they probably didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that, but it was more judgmental. You know, don't do that or you're going to think this is going to happen. But now I want to be able to coach them and you know we, especially now, since God is really depositing things to me where I could be able to hand it to them in a way that I don't want them to, you know, shy away from it. You know how the Bible says we don't want to provoke our children and so I don't want to tell them that. Oh no, don't do that. When I did it, you know what I'm saying. So I want them to be able to know that, okay, this is what I did. So I want you to be able to, you know, grasp a whole of my experience so you don't have to endure what I endured.

Speaker 1: 6:31

I saw something today and it was so profound on I think it can't remember his name, but I saw something on his page and he said I teach people, I teach people things that I to prevent them from things that I had to treat. And I was like, wow, that makes so much sense, you know, and you know, sometimes we, you know, we don't realize that. You know, experience is not always the best teacher in things where you can, when you can get the knowledge on it. So I just, you know what? What are your thoughts on that?

Speaker 1: 7:16

When it comes to that, that, even that topic, you know how Christian mom, you know, just trying to raise their grown children, you know, I definitely think that it can be challenging for us all at some level, at some point anyway, and I think that it has a lot to do with our own background, our personal experiences, because we're all different from one another. But I tell you, I think a lot of it has to do with how we have overcome. What did we gain from our experience and we're talking about us being Christian mom, so that also includes what the Holy Spirit revealed to us what did we gain? Dominion? Did we go further? Are we able to turn around and now teach, or are we still dealing with some things that haven't been resolved? You know that, just, it kind of puts us in that place where we definitely have to do some reflection and see, really figure out where we are in these things.

Speaker 1: 8:22

But from the things that we know, that we have developed and we have conquered and overcome, I believe for every parent, every mom, that it is on our heart to see the best for our children. So we want what's good for them, we want them to be great, we want them to grow up and be the best of them, that they can be the best version of themselves, that they can be impressed, and that can be really challenging. So it's like, you know, we walk through it a little bit at a time and something that I've learned from like just parenting classes in my past, and I've learned that it's like you kind of go off of their lead as far as where to go, what to talk about. You know what I mean. And when those things come up, it's like okay, now I see I need to go here, okay, it's time to go there, right, I've noticed when I have said things that weren't in the timing of, hey, they need it right now. Maybe they took it, maybe they didn't. You know I didn't always get the best response, right, but I will tell you, like, when things have been said right in season, it's been like water to them, so it's just been kind of like a touch and go.

Speaker 1: 9:49

It's been up and down, but I just know that we all desire to do our best with them. You know, right, we all desire to share and to give them what we got and give them. And I think the good thing about us, our generation, is that we this maybe I'm just biased to us, but I feel like we're wiser. We have you might not. That's the truth, girl, and I mean shout out to the mommas and the grandmothers. I mean shout out to them. But I tell you what I feel like we have. We've got something more advanced. We have, right, more prophetic insight and technology that you know that we can offer our children and pass down to them through our experiences, like we can use the revelations that we have. Now you know exactly, and I think we have more of an understanding of how to stand up for them and fight for them and to you know like, the value exactly passing this stuff down. You know that is needed, is necessary, and it's so funny.

Speaker 1: 11:00

What's that scripture that talks about talking to your children when you're in the way, when you're standing up, when you're going, when you're sitting down, when you're eating. It's like, oh, I know, I know exactly where I'm gonna find it. You go ahead and talk, I'm gonna find it for you, though, because I think I don't say yeah, it's so important that we do the Rodamy six, six through seven. You want me to read it? It says and these words that I command you today should be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise. Is that just going to use my mind? Yes, ma'am, oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I believe that, given the framework, like the word already give us the framework, meaning set up the expectations. I mean, these kids need to already be expected. This is what we do, this is what and the thing about it we have to live by example. Yeah, I was listening to you when you said that we have gotten that revelation. I remember us talking about this the other day, about you know, when we noticed something that our children is displaying that we had. We got the blueprint, okay, so we got that playbook. So now it's time for us to hand it to them and say okay, when you experience this, this is what you do, and it's almost like you know. When I can't remember Now I'm like you, that's future when I want to say it was Elijah when he was Elijah, and Elijah when Elijah was hearing the voice. What is it? Elijah, I can't remember, but he said go back. He was telling him what to do. Okay, here it is for us again, this is what you do and so that's what you know.

Speaker 1: 13:01

When we can realize our children are experiencing some of the same stuff that we experienced when we were children, and even now, as our grown children, I see some of the same things that I went through as a, as a teenager, or not necessarily a teenager, but in college that I went through that I'm like, okay, let me, let me tell you what I did wrong and I want you to run this play. Don't run that play that you're trying to run because you know, and my one, of my, one of my teenage well, she's a teenage, one of my college students, daughter is a football. She's. She's football for daddy.

Speaker 1: 13:46

So for me, speaking that that term will probably catch her be like, oh, don't, okay, well, what's the play? You know what I'm saying? What's the play? And so that's the main thing is is being able to show them what the play is, okay, so, um, I just came up with a few things that, um, we can as Christian mom, so we can learn how to set boundaries, because I don't want one thing that I want, don't want to do is to handicap them, because I can't do everything for you, but I also want you to realize that I'm here when you need me. You know what I'm saying, that the words that I'm saying to you is something you need to listen to.

Speaker 1: 14:38

So, on that note right there, before you even go to it, and I think that that is, and, as you were saying, that is like I was thinking about trust. You know, they still need to trust us, even in their young adult age, right, you know, just as they did when they were younger children, because he, what was best for them we, we know was best for them by way of the Holy Spirit, but, you know, we, we still have that voice and that's why I believe that the scripture set it up the way it did, because that expectation should always be there to talk about these things. Right, this is how I already said it into being, so that trust should never be diminished. And we can talk about this part a little bit later, we can deal with a little bit of the childhood trauma things, because I do believe that you know, there's some reasoning in there why they may or may not have an open ear. We can touch that Right. Right, and, and that's so good.

Speaker 1: 15:36

And I thought about something that you told me years ago oh, my God, I don't even know how many years ago this was, but we were talking about my nephew, the one that that lives with us and you were saying that all we can do is plant the seeds and water them and then watch it, watch it grow later. And so that's that, that trusting part, that believing and that hoping that, okay, I'm, I'm instilling in you and I'm, I'm depositing you what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do, but all I could do is is watch it and so, and and, just like a plant, sometimes we have to go and trim them, sometimes we have to go and take out the bad route and we have to go and do whatever, but sometimes we have to just step back and just let it grow and talk to it. I don't remember somebody saying you got to talk to your plant, you know, like talk to it you for real, like okay, so sometimes we have to just step back and talk to it. So that's so good, though, about the trust, and I'm going to come back to you, because that was one of the questions that I was going to ask you, jump. Oh, I love it though, I love it, though, I love it.

Speaker 1: 16:55

So, but one of the one of the tips that I that I found that it was saying that we have to recognize their adulthood. Okay, and, and that is that could be the hardest thing for us as moms, or even as parents, because I mean, I can only speak for a mom because I'm a mom, but for moms it can be the hardest thing because for years we don't have to do everything for them. Like you know, and I know we were military wise, so our children depending on us a little bit more when you know, our spouse was gone and we had to do everything for them. So when we get to that point of that crossroad are saying that, okay, they really adults. So how do you, when you started with your, you know, transitioning a teenager to adult, how did you started to recognize that they were in their adulthood?

Speaker 1: 18:10

So for my two college girls it it really took more stuff because the dynamic of our home were totally comfy, with us doing everything they this is what it was, you know coverage, sheltered mom and dad. They've got it, you know, right, more so, like we had to now begin to verbally instill that mindset being to talk about it, start to speak out what that, that expectation looked like, the things that they were going to have to start doing. And so, once they started catching on, because for them, it's like speaking a foreign language. Oh, now I have to do this. These are the expectations coming out. This is the responsibilities that I have. You want me to do it. I'm supposed to know how to do that. What are you talking about? You know, so that was that was hard for them to stomach and to handle and digest.

Speaker 1: 19:08

But when they started catching on, this is where I think the transition really started happening for real. Right, when they caught the vision to start to recognize themselves within themselves. Okay, I've done the things. I've started to do the things that you have told me to do. Now I have taken ownership. Now I am the one who is responsible. Like, I get it Right. Now we're carrying this. Now I'm doing it more often.

Speaker 1: 19:33

So what comes with that is this confidence, is this level of okay, I'm grown now, right, so I think that is that's what plays into okay, the I want to say entitled. But it definitely gives them this, this air of I'm doing this now. So for me to actually watch that happen and to see that happen is it's like okay, all right, I got to be okay with this, because this is what we talked you to do, and you need to be doing that Now when it comes to the different things that they have been taught across the board. There's a lot of things that we have taught. I would love to see all of the things being attended to the way that they were taught, but that's not always the case. I'm not. That's not always the case, and you know. And so they're not meeting our parental expectations, our hopes, our dreams, our desires.

Speaker 1: 20:38

So that's been kind of like all right, help me, lord. I got to be, help me to. You know, still be able to talk with them and not get an attitude, not take it personally, not be hurt, really just not be offended, not be like though. You just going to be like this and not what I know you can be. You know judgmental, not be judgmental, you know right, be like you don't get it, you know. And so, right, you know, though, those have been some hard conversations, but I'm but that is part of it, all of it is part of it.

Speaker 1: 21:20

So that has been how I've recognized the scene that shift of when they have now taken responsibility and they carry themselves differently. They're, they're, they're mindset is different, and so it just come with some extra flavor, right, and especially because you have, you have daughters, and I have one son that you know when I recognize his adulthood I think it happened fairly early to me because he was always kind of like you know his own little, his own little boss, if you may, if you may, okay, so you know, recognizing it for my daughter, like you, like you said it was, you know they can't. You know, she kept coming to me asking me for this, doing this and doing that, but when I realized that, oh, she didn't really need me, you know what I'm saying it was almost like when you, you know they transitioning from a baby to a toddler. You know, every transition is a little bit different, you know, even when we send them to pre-K or kindergarten, he's like, oh my God, baby, it's getting so big, you know. And then we, then we recognize it.

Speaker 1: 22:42

And so, recognizing the adulthood, I feel like it's one of the it's. It's a beautiful and hard thing at the same time, because you can't just come in and say something about everything, right, but then it's like, okay, that's, that's the whole thing. It's like when, when do I say, okay, well, you're a dog now. You know what I'm saying. Like, dude, you, you made that decision, so you made that decision. You know, don't come to me all the time, but that's where we have to learn and create those healthy boundaries. Okay, um, I don't want to. You don't want to just push somebody off, really and like, throw them off the cliff and say, okay, you know, I saw you just swim, so go on, jump in the water, you know, or whatever, but now you want to, now you want to recognize it, and and um.

Speaker 1: 23:40

So the next thing is they were saying, is that to communicate openly and this one right here is, like you said, those tough conversations that you've been talking about you have to have. So, um, what are some of the, the tactics that you have had to have when it came to trying to keep the communication open with your adult children? Because I thought mine is like mine would tell me everything, and sometimes I have to be like I don't know if I, I don't know if I want to hit it. So what are some tactics that you have had to have when it came to that? And you know what?

Speaker 1: 24:28

Again, I think a lot of this goes back to the relationship that you have with your children, the, the like who they are who you are like. You got to know yourself and know them. So that dynamic is is different for each family. So for us, um, so each daughter is actually different. I have one that's more forthcoming with lives, you know, ups and downs and and different things to talk about, and I have another one where I kind of got to pull it out of her a little bit more. Um, but once they get started it's it's like super analytical. You know, I gotta be ready, I gotta be like right, Shoot it up. So I would say with, I would say, knowing understanding each one and myself, and I end up learning my real feelings as I'm talking. So a lot of it has kind of been like on the fly, as it went on the go.

Speaker 1: 25:29

I will say, when I recognize my heart response, how I feel in a moment, in a situation when I'm actually talking about a particular thing, I may start in a little bit and I may back out. You know, as you know, when we're not ready to talk about this just yet, so I'll kind of like test the water. So I guess that would be one to test the water that is so good, oh, my goodness, let me do check and see how far we want to really go with this. Oh right, and a lot of times I have noticed where the world's influence has affected my children and I'm thinking I'm talking to them and we on the same page and we are not. So that's when I cover different mindsets and ideologies and things like that and I'm like, ok, now I have to go back again. So I'm noticing, for me there's a lot of coming in and then going back out, like a lot of coming in and going back out and seeing how I need to adjust. So for me it's to adjust.

Speaker 1: 26:39

And in those conversations and then one that I had recently, like today, even before we just recorded, I realized I just had to. I noticed I had been putting on like baby box and gloves, you know, like a soft palm, mint right, and I started, I took, I was courageous in this moment and still because I think us moms a lot of times we take more of the hit or the burden, more of the responsibility for how these situations go. But, as I told my number two one today, I'm like you know what? You're old enough to start paying attention to your side in this and to begin to notice what's happening and take ownership for your part. But what it means is that you got to be ready to investigate, you got to be ready to go on a journey, you got to be ready to check yourself out and see what's really going on, how I feel, what I'm putting in, what I'm putting out, what is my output, what am I giving off to people, what am I? You know so.

Speaker 1: 27:50

So I would say, for that one would be like to be ready to be vulnerable and but also ready to say what needs to be said, even if it's hard, you know, for the as a mom as yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's so true. And I was just thinking about it because, like you said, when we have to kind of test the water and you know, we know what the truth is, but we want to test them to see if they know exactly what the truth is. And I was pulled up the scripture and say, in third John one and four I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. And that's one thing that, as parents, when we communicate with them, we want to know that they say oh, yeah, I don't really, I don't, I don't, I don't like to smoke. No, we, because this is this, because I know that it is wrong because of this, and that's one thing that, as parents, you want to know. That, ok, that, even though you don't know you're not there with them 24. Hey, you're not there with them, you can't sue, but you know that if you could communicate with them openly and they can be able to express that they are walking in that, true, they are walking in the way that, ok, mom, I know how to pray that show you that, that what I just showed you is what is what is right. You know what I'm saying. You love that.

Speaker 1: 29:20

I know, and we, and I know and I can't speak for fathers, but I know fathers are like that too that their children are doing something that they have really, really communicated with them. You know, like, son, make sure you do this and make sure you do that. You know, and I think that that is that is so important when it comes to, like you know, my Pasadena always say coaching, because you can't tell them what to do now, you can only kind of coach them into the right direction and and that, man, that is so. That is so true and so good. You know, absolutely, because you know we can't always like you say, and that's where the boundaries come in, because we can't always overstep, because now they can make decisions for themselves. So it's like we that coach.

Speaker 1: 30:15

It's us, you know, not giving the full on lesson as much, because the teaching time has been given Exactly. It's time to see what you know now, what you have Exactly have to learn how to switch that hat and say, you know, hey, with that tester proctoring season, like OK, what do you have in you? And if we don't switch that hat, it will be hard. It will be because when we're full on mom mode, we want to just give it all out and just you know, like, even if we have to yell it, it's almost like I need you to understand it. Don't work that way in this time. It just Right. We have to let go of those tools and get some new tools. And so, even though we're coaching, it itself is huge, right, because the whole different postures, the whole different mindset, and so now we got to go home, and so now we got to go forward with even, like you were talking about learning, about communication, and even the next thing we're about to go into, right, yes, yes, I mean, and, like you said, we got to learn different tools, different skills, different ways.

Speaker 1: 31:34

I often talk to this and it's just so funny that we talk about communicate openly, because I have a teenager, or you know, I got teenagers and a preteenage that listen to TikTok and I said, oh my goodness, I need to communicate in TikTok language. You know what I'm saying, because sometimes I'm like trying to talk to them and there's just buzz out with a TikTok song and I'm like what's your talking about? I'm sorry, and I'd be like, oh, it's a TikTok, OK, goodbye. You know, and and it just you know, communication is key in learning how to speak their language. You know, because if we don't learn how to speak their language, if you don't recognize how your children are communicating to you, then you're going to be blind, you're going to be fussing, you're going to be arguing, you're going to be stressed because you don't understand that my child, this is how my child speaks. That way you can know like, ok, when they come to you with a problem, ok, let me speak their language. You know, because the Bible says that you know how he had changed the language so, people, they can understand their own language. So we have to be able to understand that our children, they, speak different languages. So we, we speak in mom language, we speaking, oh, I didn't do that, been there, done that, got the t-shirt for it, you know, but they like, no, let me do this. And so that that leads us to that next thing, we have to define your limits to what to say, when to say it and how to say it, because sometimes we, you know, like you say, when you get in mom mode, sometimes you overstep that limit, you know, and, and a lot of people you know, and I've heard this out of the I'm your mama all the time. Ok, true enough, don't get me wrong, you know, but it is a certain time when you got to say you know what, and that's my limit, let me, let me step back and let me let you, kind of, you know, blossom into the part, the tree of the fruit, that of my labor, because, guess what? I already planted that seed in you. So I'm going to just define my limit right now and I'm going to let you grow into that person. So, what, what, like what and when have you noticed that? Ok, this my limit. Let me, let me be quiet.

Speaker 1: 34:14

You know there's a certain response that each one of mine will give. They have their own way of communicating with me. Like you said, they're speaking their language and right on, it's almost like they're walking right up to the line of being disrespectful and I have to recognize that, like you're trying to tell me, mom, I've heard enough. But I've tried not to be rude, but this is how I know how to say this right now, you know, because they're learning how to communicate too. So they don't know how to turn around to you and looking in your face and say, mom, I'm growing. Right now I don't know all the answers. I can only take so much of what you're giving me. Give me a moment, give me a couple of weeks or so to work on that and I'll come back and we can have this discussion again. They don't know how to do that. They don't know how to do that.

Speaker 1: 35:11

They're gonna say something crazy. It's gonna be something Right, something you know in their form, and it's like you know us catching on to it would help us out and not taking offense, and I think that for me, that's probably been the biggest thing is to not respond Like I'm gonna be, like you know what you about? To lose your teeth, you know, you know, you know I'm gonna get you, buddy, because, look, let me tell you, my grandmother is a hundred and she's about to be a hundred and one. And do you know, my mom is still scared to stay so in front of my grandmother. See what I'm saying. My grandmother, she be like I'm the mom, she's still ten of now After as she bought a hundred. Well, she'll be a hundred and one in a few weeks and so she just, and the thing about it, they do still have that, okay, that fear, cause they know where they can take us to. You know what I'm saying. They know exactly.

Speaker 1: 36:13

Okay, I done made my mama mad, so let me, you know, let me kind of back up, but, like you said, you have some ones that are kind of get so close to that line where it's almost like disrespect and you be like hold up. I think you forgot, did you forget? It's literally, and it's so crazy because you won, and I think that's where the, the, the, the wrestle comes in with being an apparent, because you want to keep that door open, exactly, exactly, exactly, and, and you know, we want to sit there and sometimes we take more. Now, when you get older and I noticed my, my, my older children will be like oh, you just so stop, you, let them stay in. And I said well, you know it's different now you know what I'm saying. Like totally different. I learned a lot, I'm wiser, I'm a different place in my life. I'm not the same person. Like that is exactly you know, and I was.

Speaker 1: 37:23

I read the scripture and say a proverb 2917,. Discipline your children. They would give you peace, they will bring you the delights you desire. So it's like you know discipline them already. So we know that they'll give us peace. But then sometimes they, they, just they go, they, they touch it, don't, don't touch it, don't, don't touch it.

Speaker 1: 37:43

So it's like you know, and it's one of those things that we, you know, like, like we were saying, is that you know you have to define that limit. That, okay, I know that you are, you are grown and I know that you're going to make your own decisions. And I know that is nothing that we can do as as as a mama. It's nothing that I could do as a mom right now to to just kind of change your mind. But just listen to me, chad, please just listen to me, you know so, but man, I'm telling you that is so good, it's really something when you recognize that you, it feels the transition feels like your influence is waning, right, but in reality it isn't waning.

Speaker 1: 38:42

We, it is now different, and so it's really like the same but different. And the and the and the fact of the matter is is, like we already said, we have to let go of our old methods and really take a different approach. Right, that is everything. Because it's like I feel like that's kind of where that, that frazzled moment happens, when we are still trying to use older methods or things that we've done before. They may have worked in the past, but it don't work this way, like no it, you have to let it go, because you want to, you want to be an example.

Speaker 1: 39:27

Especially we're talking about Godly Christian parenting rights. We want to respect them, we want to tell them that their opinion is there, is valuable, that what they have to say, even if it's about us, right, and to hear it. We don't want them to shut inward and close the doors of their hearts, you know, toward us. So it's like we, we may have to do some, make some adjustments, and that's okay, you know, but still recognizing, yes, we still have influence. So, seeing what that looks like, what does it look like now?

Speaker 1: 40:06

Okay, so when I say something to you, now that I have honored you, I'm treated with you with some respect. I'm now expecting you to also listen to me, now as an adult. Like, even their mode and posture has to change in listening to us. You're an adult now, so you have to hear me as an adult, like as a grown woman, like, sit here and have your ears open, and not as a youth, like a fool, dismissing what you're saying and that kind of thing. But to understand that, okay, my mom still has something good to say to me. My heart should be open, my ears should be open to listen.

Speaker 1: 40:53

You know, and that's why I was saying before, like we may need to have some other discussions before we even get to talking about the things that we really wanna say. And, as it pertains to coaching them, right, we may have to get over some hurdles first, right, right, right. And that really leads into the next point is listening to their point of view, because you know, like you say, they have to be able to listen to us just as well as we have to be able to listen to them and be able to and listening to their point of view is different now, like you have to approach it. Like you said, you can't approach it with the same method as you did when they were under your control or under your care. You know, and that's another thing I wanna talk about is that you know they live it with you. Like how do you distinguish? You know what I'm saying Like, how do you distinguish that you know? So you know and I guess you can kind of expand on that, because I don't have one living with me, but I do have one that depend on me a little bit more but how do you like, when it comes to that where you wanna listen to their point, but you're like you live it in my house, so I need you to listen to one of you, I need you to listen, okay, ooh, ooh, so cringy, it's just, it's been a time, I tell you because, all right.

Speaker 1: 42:32

So I think for us parents, it's like we got a process, it's like kind of, we got to update. So, like we mentioned, we have more revelation, we've learned new things, we so because the fact that it's like on the job training, like you're learning as you're going right On the job training. So these pressures, these requirements that you now have to fulfill as far as like having an answer, having a approach and a system of how to go about. Okay, we're living together as a family, but you're an adult and I still have some standards, you see what I'm saying. So it's like the things that we the leniencies or the wisdoms, or the things that we have brought into our current parenting, those, the other areas that haven't been touched on yet, which is the new circumstances, the new situations. They have to be updated, because the thing is is that you may now realize that you're still feeling some. There may be some old tools that are in other this place. You see what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 43:43

So, when it comes to when you're coming home, when it comes to what's allowed in my house, how far are you going with what do they call it PDA? You know how much of that do I feel like looking at every day and you know what I mean Things like that. We have these boundaries like our real thing, but what I'm saying is that the believers that we are now, we are not those people that we were when we were younger. So it's like we have to come into agreement with what we feel and think now, right, exactly. So, like you said not judging, you know, okay, because we recognize that we were way different than our kids.

Speaker 1: 44:32

I feel like in our situation we were worse, like. Our kids were like friend, good where to you know well, we were, wow, why were we even tripping? But we still at this place, still are not even in a more better way, a more excellent way. I was like I have to let go of what I almost like an unlearning and a learning. It's like our parental process. The system got to come on and catch up, okay. Then we got to communicate that to them and let them know why we think what. We think Right, what? Because we have to settle ourselves Exactly and be honest. But then we have to be kind to ourselves as parents and we got to be honest with ourselves, not to people, please, because we're afraid they go, that we might be doing too much, but because the other aspect the other end of that aspect of that is the honesty part might show us that we have not quite come to come to a new and better place.

Speaker 1: 45:47

We may still have an obsolete or an equated kind of mentality about some things. Right, and that's real, like, even with today's social issues, like you have to literally talk about themselves with yourself, your lore, process it with your friends. We need support groups when it comes to this kind of stuff, especially if you're single. You know what I mean. Right, oh, my goodness, you know we gotta talk about these things and like really discover them. How do I really feel about this? Right, what am I okay with?

Speaker 1: 46:20

And then, when you finally have settled yourself, then, like I say, communicate those things and let them know and at the end of the day, ultimately they're gonna have to be okay with whatever you set out. You know, as long as you're not, you know They'll have to be okay. But as long as I feel like we're in the okay bounds, if they're heard, if they're seen, if their desires have been taken into consideration, if we have done all that we can do to I don't wanna say like compromise, but come to a safe and healthy middle ground, right, right, like that's important, you know. So it's not just all parental one-sided Right, so that, like it just has to happen. The whole sum of all of these skills they come into play. Yeah, that's that happened, and you know, and, like you said, we have to, because that's really the last point is how we acknowledge our mistakes.

Speaker 1: 47:26

Like what we did, we got to realize, okay, are we still thinking the wrong way? Like what is you know? What are we're thinking about? Certain things about, because this time is different than our time. Our time is totally different, totally different, different beats all again. And the thing about it, one thing that I can say about this time, is that if you don't continue to keep updating with the technology, then you are going to be left behind. But one thing about the technology that I like is that I get to have, you know, my adult children location. I need to know, you know, I don't have to be there with them, but I know where they are. You know what I'm saying Pretty much at all time I can look up and say, oh, okay, they she at the door. Okay, you know.

Speaker 1: 48:23

And so we have to be able to accept the times, you know, especially the technology times where we can utilize it. You know, and a lot of people they be so set against it, but you know, our times, our mistakes, were so totally different, like I'm just thankful that I'm still here. I'm just because I know I don't be in places. I probably shouldn't have been. You know what I'm saying and I know that it was like Lord, if this car don't start I don't recall my mom Please, please, cause we don't feel like going to test them on the top, we just need to whoo, whoo like for real. So you know, it's one of those things where I'm like okay, thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus. You know.

Speaker 1: 49:16

But you know, raising adult children, you know we have to learn that it's. We got to get to that point where we can just trust God with our children, and that's what I was saying. How do you get to that point where you just say you know what, god, I just trust you. I know that you got them. I know that I've have done everything that you've asked me to do as a parent. How can we as adults, or we as the mom, just be like you know what I am, turning you over to God, and just be able to be okay with that? How has that been for you? I will say even hold on. I got a lab real quick. That was horrible.

Speaker 1: 50:09

It was so hard because even before I came to the realization that, hey, lord, I've done what I needed to do as a parent, I've done my part. It's time to trust them and let them go to you. No, no, god was calling on trust from me from the start, just because of the fact they weren't in my presence, just because of the fact I had gone to such a worrisome place, I had gone to such a, you know, thinking the worst, you know, like, oh, my child is out here cutting up, just being a fool. Okay, and Tuesday after Sunday, week after week, like the Lord was dealing with me, I got them, I had her, I had her. He had to remind me of that over and over and over again and I had to like, literally, let go.

Speaker 1: 51:07

Because here's the thing this is what I want to say about the trust factor because we got to trust at every part of this process. That's the thing it's like when you realize that you're not their God. He is their God anyway. He made them, he brought them into this world, like it is the whole falling back and sitting back that we got to do period, point blank. And so, yes, and so it depends on where we are as a parent. You know our own individual process. So, like I say, I'm a lot more comfortable now. Right, because we're seeing a little bit more of a harvest now, in a sense, because through our conversations we're seeing where listening is happening, where they're coming back to us, they're giving us feedback, like okay, you were right mom, you were right dad, like wow, I'm glad that I did that work. You see what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 52:13

So for me it was kind of flip-flop. The trust had to happen in the freshman year and that first time out of the nest. So that was like the big one, that was like the big kahuna. But everything after that has been like still trusting, but more on a more safer, calmer level. Right, right, like now I can say I've been still, because now communication is open, now we can talk and say certain things and you're a little more receptive, and because we've had to build this stuff doesn't just happen overnight. You see what I'm saying we gotta trust for that. You gotta trust while you're building, you gotta trust after you've said what you said, you gotta you know, and all that trust is fading.

Speaker 1: 53:05

It is a quiet time. It is just a thanking him and a praising him and a worshiping and speaking the word and just letting God be God little times, because how is it said or heard instead Like it's quiet while the test is being taken? That is man. That is so profound because a lot of people think that God is gonna be speaking through the test. And now, if you had a school and a teacher giving a test, you're supposed to be quiet. It's quiet time, it's okay, it's gotta be quiet, right, it's quiet, lord, and I was reading this scripture, isaiah 55 and 9,.

Speaker 1: 53:55

It says for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. So that's how we could, you know, learn how to trust, because we know God got him, you know his ways are higher than the ways that we can try to even ever direct them into a certain situation or coach them. And so, turning that over, you know that, right, there is a little difficult and I can tell you from just experience. I can tell you one time you know I was I had been praying so hard for my daughter, my daughter. She just loved to hang out, loved to do her thing, love whatever, and I was so concerned about her. But one day God really showed her that he was there with her and it just made me feel so good because she was like Mama, I know, god was there and I said I'm because I had been praying. And so after that and I'm gonna be so totally honest, after that I really really started trusting God and allowing him to lead her, because I knew that she knew his presence there. You know what I'm saying. I didn't have to be like girl, you know God is there with you and she felt it, and I didn't have to go to that extent of girl, you know, like you know, and so that's one of the things that you know.

Speaker 1: 55:33

When it was for me to say, okay, you know what I'm, you know, like I said, my son, he's he been pretty much, you know he's I'm, I'm blessed with him. I'm not gonna, I'm not even gonna lie, I'm blessed with him. And even sometimes I get concerned about certain things. But you know, with my, with my oldest daughter, I just I say Lord, lord, do it for me. That's all I'm like.

Speaker 1: 56:03

So, but you know, really hit on something so good, like the intercession aspect of all of this is huge the praying for them, the covering them and, like you said it, our heart needs to know that. They know that God is with you, and when they start having an expectation on the Lord for themselves, that makes a big difference, a big, huge difference. It does, yes, because now their minds are looking for God, like, okay, god, you're with me. Okay, you, I know you were covering me, lord, yes, he was yes. So I think that that gives us I don't want to say it's like a check in the box, but, like you said, we teach them different things over the years and we look to see did you get it? You know, did you understand? And so that, right, there is a little, a little like a little tidbit for us to know that, okay, if they got a relationship with the Lord, if they at least can recognize that with them, that he's got them, they have that confidence, that trust that that gives us comfort. You know so much peace, right. And so that that prayer and that prayer, that was huge. And so what I wanted to also say about, like the scripture that you gave God oh, man, like he really was teaching me that going back to the trust factor, right, the fact that because his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts, the way that I might give that lesson, he going to give it a whole other way, right, right, you see what I mean. So I gotta trust the fact that he has their lives. So the thing that I'm hoping that they learn, they'll learn it, but it's not going to be in the way or the timing that I wanted to be Exactly, you know what I mean. Like they don't get it, but it's going to be, however, the Lord working out with them, exactly, exactly, you know, exactly. Well, this has been good. I, I, you know, I know this.

Speaker 1: 58:23

We can probably do a part two on this, because I know it's a lot of people that are really, really seeking answers for this because, like I said, they have, they probably have grown children standing in their house, even though they say, oh, when you try to you get out of my house, but they still there, or they don't laugh. And then came back and now they try to figure out how to just kind of how to incorporate everything together. That you know, okay, you will go now, you back. Now you know, like, now, I got to figure out this is my house, so I got to figure out how you can do this and how you can maneuver in my house, but I know it's a lot of parents that are seeking for advice on this. But if you want to just leave them with anything else, that will be. That will be great, okay, Because I know, like I said, you got, you got a couple of them and I got a couple of them. But you know, I want to hear where you have your advice, that you can leave with someone and you know what guys, even even before I do that, I really just want to encourage everybody to comment and put down below, like what you are looking for, what exactly you're seeking for, Because, even if we come back and do this again, it would be so awesome to really be able to touch on exactly the areas that you want to talk about, the areas that you are struggling in and that you're looking for, and so I would leave with everyone to understand that there are a lot of resources out there.

Speaker 1: 1:00:06

There's things that we can do. We do not have to suffer Alone. We don't have to suffer in silence. Getting community, get in, get with people who have that are like-minded. We're talking to, we're speaking to a community of believers, so I'm hoping that there are some safe places, some some wells of wisdom that we can tap into and connect and even like with Cue for Christ. We're Cue for Christ, so this is one source for you, one resource for you. We are connected with you to share and talk about these things. So, yeah, I will definitely leave that with you to not lose hope.

Speaker 1: 1:00:45

Don't let it get so bad where you're angry and you're frustrated with your current situation and not doing anything about it, because that can damage relationships. We are talking about human being. We're talking about us people and we're talking about people that we care about. So we want to work it out and you need to know that there is solution. Things can change. It doesn't have to stay. We're awkward, angry, frustrated. We can move towards solution. It don't have to be horrible and it can be a trusting and loving environment.

Speaker 1: 1:01:24

Are you willing to do what it takes? Are you willing to do the work? Are you willing to let go of yourself? Are you willing to walk a walk of love to see what you would like to see come to pass? So be encouraged in that, because it's possible, and I know that there's people out there who have wisdom and that you can share with us, share your stories, put them out there. Yes, you can use them.

Speaker 1: 1:01:57

Because something that has always been in my heart, even over the years, even as we raise our children, no matter what we go through, my hope and desire is that the person is preserved, that the person is preserved. The situation might be the situation, amen. But I don't want to damage the person so much that now they have more to work through, more to deal with, more to overcome. So that's my hope that we're able to work through these things and become better for each other, become better for our kids, even as adults. That is so good. And I'm going to leave you with the scripture Proverbs 22 and 6. And I know it's a very familiar scripture you train up a child in the way he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it. So we have to trust that, what we have done as parents, that they will not leave what God has already instilled in them or what we have already instilled in them. So I'm so thankful that we were able to do this.

Speaker 1: 1:03:13

Elder Harper, you have really blessed my soul and, if y'all don't know me, elder Harper, been at this for years. Okay, we had a conversation years ago. It would be so awesome. I mean, we would probably be millionaires right now. But anyways, I thank you.

Speaker 1: 1:03:38

I would love for Elder Harper to say a quick prayer. Make sure you like it. You're sharing, you're commenting, you're going where you can receive the message that God has planted in us, and then we'll see you on the next one. So, elder Harper, if you could say a quick prayer and then we'll be at your way. All right, father, we thank you tonight, lord God, for who you are, for all that you have done for us, for all the many ways that you have kept us, kept our minds, kept our families that you have brought us through. Lord, we just praise you and thank you for the memorials and the things that you have done already and as we have conversed tonight, Lord God, and things have been talked about and brought up, lord God, we pray for our audience.

Speaker 1: 1:04:28

We pray for each one who will hear this now and hear it in the future. We pray, lord God, that your people are brought into a space, lord, where there is more learning, more growth, more development, lord God, and that there is a place where they can feel seen and heard and understood. We thank you that ultimately, you are our source and we pray, father God, for community for your people, for solution for your people. We ask, lord God, that our families are bonded together and loved and that we develop and grow in different strategies and skills. Lord that is able to bring us tighter and closer together in our communication, in our love walk with each other.

Speaker 1: 1:05:14

So, god, I pray that we, as we depart off this broadcast, lord God, that the conversation continues and that you're covering it, lord, and that you are blessing what we're doing and that your people are blessed from it. We thank you for it all and it's in Jesus' name we cry Amen, amen, amen, all right, you all All right. We thank you, we thank you, we love you. We want you to just make sure that you are staying cute, for Christ's sake. All right, bye y'all.